TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be remarkable. Large!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed through the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely from position. Designed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let's have An additional area where by American Gentlemen can use robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: provide All people a collection within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It's that he ought to end working with it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the venture, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping varieties a large Trump head visible from Area, a element currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after discovering the constructing's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It is not just unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest factor in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where by attendees could contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are Not Trump Tower Damascus sure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Method: "When you Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert campaign, not long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "in which's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is already attracting focus from Worldwide investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level may even contain:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort in which my PTSD may have switch-down services."


A further submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Ideas in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It required gold. It desired a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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